Conflict is uncomfortable. Hard conversations can feel terrifying. Most of us would rather avoid them entirely—convincing ourselves that silence is safer, that walking away is easier, that time will somehow fix what we aren’t willing to face.
And yet, without conflict—without these moments of discomfort—we lose something critical: the opportunity to see ourselves beneath the surface of our own comfort and self-serving beliefs.
Think about it. When was the last time you avoided a conversation because it felt too big, too overwhelming, or just not worth the energy? Maybe it was a disagreement at work, a long-standing family issue, or even a friendship that started feeling a little off. Avoidance is one of the most natural human responses to conflict—it falls under the classic fight, flight, or freeze reaction. But why do we default to flight so often?
Why Do We Avoid Conflict?
Avoiding conflict can be:
A physiological response (our nervous system perceives danger, so we disengage).
A learned response (we grew up watching people avoid hard conversations, so we do the same).
A trauma response (past experiences have wired us to believe that conflict leads to harm, so we shut down or run away).
For most of us, it’s a mix of all three. Somewhere along the way, we started believing that conflict is the enemy—that it leads to nothing good. But here’s the reality: avoiding conflict doesn’t make the problem go away. It just buries it deeper, where it festers and grows.
Perspective Changes Everything
One of the most humbling experiences in life is looking back at a conflict or difficult relationship years later and realizing you have changed. Maybe at the time, you were convinced you were right. Maybe you saw the other person as the villain, their words as attacks, their actions as unforgivable. But then life happened. You gained knowledge, perspective, experience. You learned things about yourself, about human nature, about what it means to carry wounds you don’t even realize you have.
For years, I was in constant conflict with my mother. We were different in so many ways, and I had my own ideas of what a mother should be. I wanted to be nothing like her. But what I didn’t realize then—what I couldn’t see—was the depth of her love, her sacrifices, her struggles. It took time, loss, and reflection for me to see her fully.
That’s the thing about conflict. It has a way of revealing truths we aren’t ready for in the moment. But if we stay open, if we allow ourselves to sit with discomfort instead of running from it, we can grow into a new understanding—not just of others, but of ourselves.
Moving Through Conflict: A Different Approach
So how do we push past avoidance and learn to engage with difficult conversations instead of fearing them?
Pause Before Reacting. Notice when you’re feeling triggered and ask yourself: Is this a real threat, or am I reacting from a past wound?
Get Curious. Instead of assuming bad intent, consider: What might this person be experiencing that I don’t understand?
Practice Discomfort. Growth happens when we lean into the hard stuff. That doesn’t mean we engage in every argument, but it does mean we stop running from necessary conversations.
Reflect on Past Conflicts. Think about a time when you were sure you were right. Has your perspective changed? What did you learn from it?
Reflection Questions
What’s a conflict or difficult conversation you’ve been avoiding? Why?
When was the last time your perspective on a situation changed over time?
How did your family or community handle conflict growing up? How has that shaped your approach today?
What’s one small step you can take to engage in necessary but uncomfortable conversations?
Final Thought
Conflict isn’t just about the people we’re arguing with—it’s about who we become in the process. The question isn’t whether we’ll face hard conversations in life; it’s whether we’ll have the courage to engage in them when it matters most.
kj williams
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